Building a better relationship - things to try

With all the daily stresses and responsibilities we face each day, it can be easy to lose track of our relatonship and get disconnected from our partner.  Keeping a relationship strong does require effort but there are simple, proven exercises that are recommended to deepen your relationship and make it more fulfilling.

Active Listening

How often does a simple conversation lead into a week-long battle or bickering?  That is why a lot of couple's therapy exercises are designed to help both partners become better at 'active' listening.  

Active listening doesn't only make talking through sensitive issues easier, it also allows both of you to have a deeper appreciation and understanding of each other.  When practicising active listening, it is important for the speaker to remain focused on a single point or thought they want to discuss and for the listener to concentrate on sharing their partner's perspective.

Here are a few ideas to follow when practising active listening:-

+ Really listen to what your partner is saying and take notes if you find that useful.

+ Let your partner know that you truly understand what they are saying by repeating what they have told you in your own words without any judgement or interpretation.  If your response is spot on, brilliant but if not, ask them to tell you what bits you missed.

+ Validating feelings. This is a way to tell how your partner's feelings make sense to you or how you are able to put yourself into their shoes.  This is the really tricky bit but with practice it does get better.

+ Swap over and try being the speaker.

Maybe you can try this for a few minutes daily to practise and see how it changes your relationship.  Whatever you are talking over, practicising active listening from a place of patience and love is best.

Appreciation List

There are lots of studies that report that couples that are grateful are happier and more resilient.  Appreciation is truly vital in a relationship but sometimes, especially in a longer relationship, appreciation can be taken for granted and become a rare thing.  If you feel your relationship is lacking this why not try writing a list for a week of everything that you are grateful that your partner did.  The things don't have to be massive but tasks like noticing the plants needed watering, offering to make breakfast, being the first person to walk the dog so the other can have a lie in.  At the end of the week, swap lists.  You may notice a lot of things that you both do is appreciated as small gestures of love and care for each other.

Positive Language

Miscommunication can be a problem between couples.  Many of us might misunderstand and make false interpretations of what our partner is saying.  This can lead to arguments, feelings of rejection and emotional disconnection. A good way to avoid that trap is to use positive language such as using 'you said' or 'I heard' during conversations.  This clarifies what you heard and by beginning a sentence with 'I heard' can make your partner feel that you are paying attention and care about what they are saying.  By saying those two words is like saying 'I am listening to you as what you are saying is very important to me'.

Love List

We can easily get into thinking we know what the other person would like or appreciate but sometimes, it is the little gestures that really matter the most.  Try spending time when you both write a list of 5 or 10 things that the other does do or can do that makes you feel loved.  It can be a kiss before they leave the house in the morning, bringing a cup of coffee in bed in the morning, noticing the car needs petrol and filling it, doing the grocery shop and putting a little treat in without being ask.  The list could go on but you get the idea.

Dating

When you first knew each other you dated and then, after marriage or living together, all that stops.  That was the good bit!!  Try arranging a trip with your partner.  It could be a trip away, it could be a week long vacation but time just being a couple again where you can relax away from work and responsibilities helps you reconnect.

Intimacy

Perhaps with a family, intimacy becomes more of a challenge but intimacy is also about being emotionally connected to your partner.  It is that feeling of being able to accept and share your partner's inner thoughts and feelings.  

A lovely way to build on this is to sit facing each other as close as you can where your knees are almost touching.  Take several minutes to gaze into each others eyes.  Notice your feelings, thoughts, reactions and then share them with your partner.

Every marriage and relationship goes through tricky times and incorporating some of these exercises can nudge you towards an improvement in your relationship and help you both deal with difficulties more effectively and grow closer. 

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